For all you know, We might not see tomorrow.

Frustrating times, these are.
Indeed.
So I think I need a punching bag... with John's little sister's face plastered all over it.
I'm fed up with her... and this house to be honest.
If it wasn't for John I'd have been gone a long time ago.
I know there are only two more weeks before she's gone, but those two weeks are dragging like there is no tomorrow.
Each and every day there is something that she does to piss me off.
Dishes is a main one... I come home from work and see that the kitchen has been turned into a disaster on my days to clean.
But on her days, she's gone and if there is more than 10 dishes in the sink, she makes her dad do them.
This house is blah as well. Always smells like dog shit because the old man (dog) doesn't know the difference between standing and releasing fecal matter upon the floor and it is always a mess.
I think I'm losing my sanity but remaining sane at the same time.
Weird, I know.
The 19th of this month will be me and John's 1st year being together.
All is well and I'm still madly in love with him.
I'm just going insane with everything else around me.
Because of the job, I seem to have no life anymore.
Tuesdays and Wednesdays are my only day off, and I spend it cleaning laundry, cleaning house, taking John to therapy, trying to get things done that needed to be done all week...
Frustrating seems to be the only word that describes what I feel most of the time now.
And now I sit in the new bed that I bought because John got his gun instead and I think...
Where is life going...?
Where will I be in 5 years from now?
If we wake up everyday, go to work, go home, rinse, and repeat...
What is the point of life?
Other than your loved one and the things that you can buy with money....
I hate life, but I'm living it anyways.

Cosmeraticpsychosis.

I like that word, I just made it myself.
Do you ever feel like you just want to die and that you know that no one will miss you? Do you ever have that chance, to just end it all?
But then you think about what there is in life worth living for...
The love of your life...
The family that matters to you...
All that you have accomplished...
The things that you want to accomplish...
Your bucket list.

Things like this run through my head every time I think suicidal thoughts...
John...
Gramma and Gramma2 and mom and all....
My degree at only 19...
I want to be successful...
Get married, have a life... RETIREMENT!


Question is...
What will it take to accomplish this before my time runs out?


So many things are negative moreover than they are positive...

Drama...
Depression...
Stress...
Obstacles...
Making a living...
Creating a reputation...
Moving forward...
Bills...
So many things that bring you down in an instant...

But it is also just as easy to give up...
Quit breathing...
Let go...
Careless...
Not give a damn about the world...
or the people around you...


Whereas the good things have combacks.
Money... You work for...
Friends... You have to get to know...
Reputation... You have to gain...
Knowledge... We live for every day...
Significant Other... We only hope that they feel the same way that we do and that they will love us forever...
Pets... We want them to be happy, but sometimes they piss us off....
Laughing... Same as wasting your breath...
Life.... We will all die someday...


So the question of the day is...
What is it that you fight for in your life to stay alive?

I want to be a victim ready for abduction.

So here I am. A little better off now. Still bored all the time at home with nothing to do. I've started going to the gym and working out. So far, I've lost some of my lovehandles. As for my weight, I'm not going to look at it until three more months when I" go back to the health department. We shall see how that goes when the time comes. Things are alright. I'm a little too surrounded by drama, but that's life for you. :) Anyways. That's all I can think of.

Titten the Kitten

Yes, we have a cat named Titten. Odd. So far so good. All said and done with Amanda, I only talk to her every once in a while but haven't been over there since.  I suddenly remember a person from middle school. All I remember is his name and what he looked like. Derek Ambrose. I'm fascinated with that last name, but he reminds me of Tanner Jenkins which is prolly why I remember it.
Odd. Anyways, Me, Kayla, and John had an awesome night. We went out to eat at the Chinese place. I loved it. Being able to go out with my two loved ones and have a good time, even if it was only a little while. :) Here's the update.

Jornada Del Muerto

Once again the blog becomes sad. I don't know what is wrong with me.
I had a nightmare last night and I don't know if that is what is bothering me or if I'm just being moody.
The only real part that I remember about the dream is that it was kind of like in a game. There were humans, and there were Zombies. But it was like real life. There was me and John is this one room with like 5 other people, then out of nowhere, someone said that there was a cure and John sacrificed himself to get infected then use the vaccine, but the whole time I couldn't move from the floor, all I heard was his voice in a different room.
And not to mention, Amanda had us pissed last night. She said that John came over the Friday that we were all suppose to eat, but I was at Kayla's doing falls and she told me that he came over demanding to know where I was and Amanda AND John both knew where I was.... I want a glass of milk....  John like normal came down to see me and she said that he did that just to make sure that I was there cause he thinks I'm cheating on him. John doesn't have to worry and I know for a fact that he doesn't because I wouldn't do that to him. But Amanda gets under my skin with things like that. She always irritates him so he left and I was going to shortly follow him after because we came in our own vehicles and she made me stay and was asking me all these questions about my happiness with John. I am happy with him. Some of the things that he does irritate me, but that is normal. And when she was chattering away, it came down to it when she said if you're not happy, you're going to end up like me and in a trailer like this.
That pissed me off.
Maybe that is what has been on my mind all day because I went to sleep with the thoughts festering in my head.
But instead of seeming pissed all day, I've been like... depressed and I don't know why. Small things that people say get me wired up and makes me want to strangle someone. The first thing I woke up to was Tyler demanding these shoelaces he gave me back because he needed them for other purposes. That irritated me at first because what if I had been using them?  But it didn't matter because I don't have them. I had them tucked into my shoe that way I would remember to change laces that next day, but there had been people in the house and the next day when I went to go change them, they were not there. Stolen. And no clue where they went to so I went out and bought more. Seems like everything I do. Whether it is my fault or not seems to piss people off.
Guess that's just life.

Sweet Home Alabama, yeah right, This is JAWJA!

Why is it when I say that I'm going to update my blog more often I end up ignoring it more often xD But when I say that I'm going to ignore it, I end up paying more attention to it. lol It just popped in my head a little while ago and I was like, "Hmm, what did Kayla post, maybe another eatshitanddiePOSTSOMETHING! for me." Lawl I might go terrorize Kayla later on... I've been trying to see her more often... Seeing her as little as I do makes me realize how much I miss my best friend. Me and John are doing great again now that I've talked to him about the things that frustrate me. Even though we really haven't done anything about the problem, it seems to have gotten better now that we have talked about it and I've gotten it off my chest. We're watching Sweet Home Alabama, hence the title, buuuuut not really, Cause we all live in Jawja. Things are going good, I got my fabric and stuff to make my top hat for MomoCon sometime in March. :#3 I can't wait! Ahhahahhahaaa!!! Anyways. Here is my update. A happy one.

Message Sent.

Lately I've been depressed. I think I need to get a punching bag and beat the shit out of it before I end up hurting John from randomly throwing things at him and him attacking me. Haha.
Gramma's wedding was pretty awesome. She looked amazing, and she made me her Maid of Honor, which I almost busted my ass walking her to the Arch thingy where James and the preacher were. But awesome nonetheless.
I worry about me and John's relationship. It seems like I matter still, but not as much as I use to. The need to please me not only with sex, but as a person has dwindled. It seems like I'm more the house-wife than I am his girlfriend, and I don't like that one bit. Everything has just got boring and the relationship itself is boring... The tension in the air is building and he doesn't even realize it... When is he going to and ask what is wrong with me and when I tell him he actually pays attention. When he asks what's wrong and everything is okay, its all good, and I'm fine. But when I feel like talking to him about it, it seems that it is not important enough or he thinks that I'm about to break up with him or something. Ugh, This gets frustrating. Right now he's playing his game because tomorrow is his day off and I already know he is going to want to do nothing and make me stay home and do nothing with him which drives me INSANE, but when I want to do something, he gets pissed. It. Is. FRUSTRATING! I honestly don't know how much more of this all I can take before I leave for a couple of days and not come back until I feel I can handle it again. I drive to Taco Bell and just sit there and cry because I can't go anywhere else without having people asking me what is wrong and the what not. I'm too young for this serious of a commitment that John wants me to have. I want to be single sometimes and just have fun without being guilty all the time. I hate it. He has this mentality that he is going to get a job on base, get a new car, have a great life. What he doesn't realize is that I'm not this picture perfect Tifa he thinks that I am and cannot be. I wanna cry right now because it is all getting to me. I want to go to Kayla's and just stay there for the night but I cannot because it will piss John off and I don't have the gas to do so. I can't do anything because when I want to get away the most, I can't because there are reasons that keep me from doing so. Someone kill me.