Message Sent.

Lately I've been depressed. I think I need to get a punching bag and beat the shit out of it before I end up hurting John from randomly throwing things at him and him attacking me. Haha.
Gramma's wedding was pretty awesome. She looked amazing, and she made me her Maid of Honor, which I almost busted my ass walking her to the Arch thingy where James and the preacher were. But awesome nonetheless.
I worry about me and John's relationship. It seems like I matter still, but not as much as I use to. The need to please me not only with sex, but as a person has dwindled. It seems like I'm more the house-wife than I am his girlfriend, and I don't like that one bit. Everything has just got boring and the relationship itself is boring... The tension in the air is building and he doesn't even realize it... When is he going to and ask what is wrong with me and when I tell him he actually pays attention. When he asks what's wrong and everything is okay, its all good, and I'm fine. But when I feel like talking to him about it, it seems that it is not important enough or he thinks that I'm about to break up with him or something. Ugh, This gets frustrating. Right now he's playing his game because tomorrow is his day off and I already know he is going to want to do nothing and make me stay home and do nothing with him which drives me INSANE, but when I want to do something, he gets pissed. It. Is. FRUSTRATING! I honestly don't know how much more of this all I can take before I leave for a couple of days and not come back until I feel I can handle it again. I drive to Taco Bell and just sit there and cry because I can't go anywhere else without having people asking me what is wrong and the what not. I'm too young for this serious of a commitment that John wants me to have. I want to be single sometimes and just have fun without being guilty all the time. I hate it. He has this mentality that he is going to get a job on base, get a new car, have a great life. What he doesn't realize is that I'm not this picture perfect Tifa he thinks that I am and cannot be. I wanna cry right now because it is all getting to me. I want to go to Kayla's and just stay there for the night but I cannot because it will piss John off and I don't have the gas to do so. I can't do anything because when I want to get away the most, I can't because there are reasons that keep me from doing so. Someone kill me.

Infinate Stars in the Sky

That's what life is. xxx rated. There is murder, blood, sex, and money. That's all the world seems to revolve around and it sucks. For every person killed, two are born in the place of it. No wonder we're overpopulated. Days go by and I wonder where they went and how old I will be in a couple of months. 20. I was just turning 18 only two years ago... I graduated two years ago... In June I will have my associates in Criminal Justice. Where did time go. Everyday seems to be smothering together. Wake up next to John, cook him breakfast before he goes to work, see him off, doodle online, do laundry, cook dinner, welcome John home, shower, sleep. Rinse and repeat. At least I'll be looking into school soon so that will help me out. I feel so pathetic. Like I have no life. Having what you want isn't all that. I have a car, laptop, education, the one I love, but my motivation seems to be drained. When will the day come that I can have that smile on my face again and actually mean it. Last time I really smiled it when John showed me the wedding ring I'm going to get one day. Yes, it was gorgeous, but I don't know if I will be a good, suited wife for him or if I'm going to mess everything up like I always seem to do. Sometimes I just don't know what to do anymore and its annoying.

Venice Rooftops

The depression kicks in without a notice.
I wonder why i'm here.
I started painting the other day,
an eye with a heart as the pupil
and when Ben said it looked like my eye I completely messed it up.
And I don't know why.
I hate myself.
I hate life.
I hate John's sister.
I hate it all.

There are too many ways to die.

So its another day with another new year. Maybe this one will be a good one. Maybe it will be the start of something beautiful since it has been so far. Me and John are doing excellent, even though he seems to rip my piercings out, haha. Not funny x.x
Christmas was great, John was with me and we had a blast; driving, eating, opening presents, then having one helluva fun night :)
Things have been steady from there.. New years was all kinds of whacked. First time I actually got drunk. But I got burned three times by sparklers... which means I will prolly get burned all year. Yay me.
That's all I can think of right now. I will try and update more so I'll remember everything better. troll lolol olol