Lately I've been depressed. I think I need to get a punching bag and beat the shit out of it before I end up hurting John from randomly throwing things at him and him attacking me. Haha.
Gramma's wedding was pretty awesome. She looked amazing, and she made me her Maid of Honor, which I almost busted my ass walking her to the Arch thingy where James and the preacher were. But awesome nonetheless.
I worry about me and John's relationship. It seems like I matter still, but not as much as I use to. The need to please me not only with sex, but as a person has dwindled. It seems like I'm more the house-wife than I am his girlfriend, and I don't like that one bit. Everything has just got boring and the relationship itself is boring... The tension in the air is building and he doesn't even realize it... When is he going to and ask what is wrong with me and when I tell him he actually pays attention. When he asks what's wrong and everything is okay, its all good, and I'm fine. But when I feel like talking to him about it, it seems that it is not important enough or he thinks that I'm about to break up with him or something. Ugh, This gets frustrating. Right now he's playing his game because tomorrow is his day off and I already know he is going to want to do nothing and make me stay home and do nothing with him which drives me INSANE, but when I want to do something, he gets pissed. It. Is. FRUSTRATING! I honestly don't know how much more of this all I can take before I leave for a couple of days and not come back until I feel I can handle it again. I drive to Taco Bell and just sit there and cry because I can't go anywhere else without having people asking me what is wrong and the what not. I'm too young for this serious of a commitment that John wants me to have. I want to be single sometimes and just have fun without being guilty all the time. I hate it. He has this mentality that he is going to get a job on base, get a new car, have a great life. What he doesn't realize is that I'm not this picture perfect Tifa he thinks that I am and cannot be. I wanna cry right now because it is all getting to me. I want to go to Kayla's and just stay there for the night but I cannot because it will piss John off and I don't have the gas to do so. I can't do anything because when I want to get away the most, I can't because there are reasons that keep me from doing so. Someone kill me.
Well either way you are coming over, and you are ALWAYS free to come to my house. You know this. Hopefully it will not be too much longer and I will be living in Warner Robins so I can see Tyler more often, but you as well. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm only a phone call away. You know this. It seems like you are SEVERELY unhappy TifA...maybe John isn't the one....if things are falling apart this soon....what does the future hold? Look inside yourself...ask yourself if you love him and want to be with him. If you do....keep trying and in time things will get better...if you don't love him....it's best to walk away and quit wasting your time and find someone better. You are a beautiful, smart, caring young lady. Any guy would be lucky to have you. I love you. <3