Take your penny back

Lately I've felt like crying, I don't know what it is. Depression is taking over me and I'm trying to get myself out of it. There's not much that I can really say. Its hard to get over things when I have no one to talk to. Many people say if I ever need to talk, I can just get a hold of them, but when I try, there is no response or they just don't want to hear it. I guess I'll just revert back to the way I grew up, bottle everything inside. That's when people liked me anyways. Now all people are saying is that I've just changed for the worse even though I don't see it. I just want to die. But that will solve nothing. My life means more than that, I've accomplished so much already and so many people are expecting more out of me before I do decide to leave this world. My choice or not. It seems like everything depresses me now. Sure, John cheers me up, but that's when he's not playing his Black Ops or working. Then his mom is still here and pissing us both off. Because I didn't make dinner by 5pm, I have to eat leftovers, you know what. Fuck it, I'll just go what is the third day now not eating. Not like it makes any difference.
Peace.

Better days for Better Ways

Wow, its been a little while since I've updated. lol. Sorry, just been kind of busy.
So I live with John, and things are actually going better than I expected. Yeah, I have to do a whole bunch of stuff like when I lived here without him being here, but it's all good.
One of the reasons that I have not updated is because I have literally been swamped with homework. There's only like two more weeks of school so they've decided to crack down on us and give us homework galore.
Things are pretty good, other than the fact Tyler is begging me to win Kayla back for him. I feel sorry for the guy because he has to go through this, but at the same time, he put Kayla through worse. She's my best friend and I don't want to see her through this kind of thing. He's swore on just about everything that he could that if I got her back to him, she would he the happiest woman alive and that he would never hurt her again and he wants a child with her. Yeah, it all sounds like a sad mope story, but it actually pains me to see anyone in this kind of pain. It also killed me when he was putting her through this mess as well. I don't like seeing just about anyone like that, I wouldn't even wish it on my worst enemy.
So other than that, things are great with me and John. I started a little project on his wall next to our bed where every day or every other day, I write him a small little love note on an index card and post it. It is starting to look like a college, but he absolutely loves it, which is what matters and counts. I love that I can make him happy. He tells me everyday how I am perfect and he's so lucky to have me. It really does brighten my day, no matter how bad it was. I wake up with him next to me and before he goes to work, he wakes me and gives me a kiss before he leaves. This is love. :)

Better days.

Well, so much for stress, its getting better.... kinda...
Talked to some friends, bestie, and my gramma about my living situation how how things were going, and I decided to move in with John. Things were fine and dandy, then his mom just wanted in and re-listed chores. I have to do laundry and dishes every other day, just likewhen I lived here. Joy oh joy. I don't really mind it, it just brings me back to when I lived here without John. But now that I have him here now, things will be better.
I'm gonna head out soon to Heather's to get all my stuff and explain the situation more to her so she gets a full understanding of what's going on and why I made this choice.
Lady Bird is the puppies name and she's doing really good. We went out for a drive today and I got her a collar and name tag, which I enjoyed doing. :]
I finally get to wake up in the morning next to the one I love.
Its going alright now.
I'm happy.

Weimeriner, odd.

So its been a while since I've updated. A lots has been going on. We went to the shooting range and shot the shotguns, we also went to Red Lobsters and got the Endless Shrimp, which I could only eat like 3 plates before I was pooped. We also got a new puppy named Lady Bird, she's a Weimeriner. She's so cute. John's putting a lot of his time for the dog, which at first bothered me, but as the minutes go by, I remembered what it was like to train the dogs that I have, and they need constant attention so that later on, they know how their master is. Its good to see him with the dog, and in a way, I get my own time and still be around him.
His mom's back in town for three weeks, which is pleasant, I should say. They also said that I could move in, and it was my choice and they wouldn't mind having me around because they know me. I've lived here before and they know what I'm capable of. Also that I treat John right. Its a really hard decision for me because of the pros and cons.
I love living with Heather, but I have to clean, take care of the kids, and the small stuff I do pisses the kids off sometime. But I also give Heather money when I have the chance and run errand for her and pick the kids up from school sometimes when needed. I'm like Mom2 there.
Here at Johns, of course I'll have to clean, but I have a lot more freedom. They call me an adult here, I don't have to report to anyone whether or not I'm going to be home tonight, and I get to see John more, but I have to deal with his sister.
Its all just messing with my head, I don't know what to do. Kayla, I know how you feel now, and I want your honest opinion because you're the only one I can really talk to about it.
Heather said it's my choice.
John said it's my choice and of course he wants me to move in.
Me:.............................&^%$#&^%$#$%^&
End of Story

Perfection Possibilities.

I'm sore. Had a wonderful night a morning and continued into the day. Over at John's house if that gives you a clue.
Worked on my essay till about 3am. Then finally cuddled down with John and went to sleep. He had a nightmare that I died. And he missed my funeral because he was too busy going haywire with a shotgun in the middle of town. He went psycho and followed me shortly after. It was kinda sad hearing him say that.
Then we were in the kitchen heating up some Taco bell we had yesterday and I was telling him about how I can't eat Hardees or Checkers, and he said "when we go eat there, I'll make sure you have something before hand." And I was like who? You and me, or us and Marty, and he just laughed and said I was thinking to far ahead in the future. I was like, "..... kids?" and he said yeah. Still kinda shocked that he wants them one day. But its bound to happen anyways. I want one, at least one. and he wants one. I'm just not ready to be a mama yet. xD His input to kids, a little boy - he's going to be terrible. A little girl- I'm gonna go to jail for murder chasin' them boys away. Its so sweet, I wanna cry.
Iits been a pretty good day, its cold and murky outside, but that doesn't stop me xD
Well, that's my update xD

Incredible... not

So this weekend was good. Didn't have to go to school Friday so I stayed with John. AH-mazing night... and morning. ;] We went out to eat one of the nights and went to see Inception. I saw it again, but it was even better cause I had him there with me. Then I got a back massage. It was just an incredible weekend. Till today came.
It really is Yin and Yang.
I had to go home... Scott started interferring and saying stuff. He then told me he thought I cheated on him with some boy, but that got fixed, but what really had me sad was Ryan's input for it. He told Scott he wouldn't be surprised if I did, and he called me a bitch. But Scott said not to say anything cause he didn't want to start drama. Which is understandable. I'm beginning to think Ryan is two-faced. Which makes me sad. I don't want to start thinking down on him.
I started crying earlier cause everything just hit me once again. I was thinking of moving out, cause John's family offered me to live there again, but i don't know. Heather said the choice was competely mine.
I wouldn't mind living with John, but then I'll have to deal with his sister.
Today me, John, Melissa, and her friend were out on the couch in the living room and I had two burgers and gave the last two bites and he was like, "you're full?!" And I said "Yes, you know I don't eat much." And Melissa looked at me up and down and said, "You don't eat much?" with that disgusted look, which translated into, "You're fat, which means you eat A LOT." but I brushed it off, but later told John about it cause he didn't notice cause he was watching TV, and he got so mad and went on a rant on how I'm 'perfect.'
He told me I'm the love of his life.  He's never sat right next to someone and his stomach started hurting cause he knew I had to drop him off and be on my way home.
I miss him. So much, I understand why his stomach got upset... cause mine is too.
Kayla, I wish you the same luck to find the man who treats you like a princess that you are.
Someone after only a few months, you know he's the man you want to marry.
I want him. I want Johnathan Lucas French. I want to be with him for the rest of my life.
He has his flaws, who doesn't, but he's perfect for me.
And he loves me.